Horizontals Survive Bizarre Attack of the Killer Socks
to End Season on a Winning Note

By Barry Needham

The last game of the season against a new opposition, Fives CC proved to be a cracker played in near perfect sunny weather. We assembled at Bramley Road to discover a green pitch that resembled a well used mattress from a Kings Cross motel i.e it sagged in the middle. The assembled team threatened to go home if skipper Chris decided to bat. He won the toss and out went the ten of us to field. At this stage we were one short as Little Aarif was missing.
Matt Webster was given the new ball and opened with a head high beamer. The rest of the over featured a further 4 full tosses so we were left none the wiser regarding the true state of the pitch. However we found out next over when Amit managed to hit opener Rocky full on the head with a bouncer. Thankfully there was no serious damage.
Soon we were up to full strength as Aarif appeared out of the bushes. However after two further overs, most of which he spent sitting down he asked to leave the field to change his socks. Now apparently Aarif always wears some kind of girly half sock underneath his normal cricket socks. However today he came without his half socks and decided to wear 2 pairs of normal socks. This combination of sock unfortunately were too tight and began to cut off the blood supply to his feet resulting in him being unable to stand up. So in a new first for the Horizontals and possibly a new first in world cricket we have now had somebody injured by his own socks. You couldn’t make it up.
So back on the cricket field Mr Webster was still having difficulty locating the pitch. However a shout from slip of “Why don’t you aim for the green thing in between the two sets of stumps?” resulted in a delivery actually hitting the pitch, finding the edge and being safely caught by the same mouthy slip fielder. After 5 overs it was 30 odd for 1 and in came Norman to begin a partnership with Rocky that went on forever.
Despite some enthusiastic appealing Rocky and Norman settled in to play very well making sure they hit all the bad balls to a very short boundary. After trying Matt, Amit, Glenn, Craig and himself without success Chris eventually handed the ball to Simon. From his second ball - a straight long hop - Rocky pulled the ball up in the air where Glenn, breaking off his conversation with the square leg umpire, safely held the catch. Rocky departed for an excellent 68 and that was about 150 odd for 2.
Sid who had been waiting patiently for over an hour to bat was next in. He was so eager to get on with it that he chased another wide long hop (it would have been a wide) and managed to hit it straight up in the air and Chris pouched the catch. Simon was then on for possibly the best comedy hat trick in history but when the next batsman came in he failed to recognize the value of the long hop and bowled a really good ball that the batsman successfully defended. So double wicket maiden for Simon.
With 8 overs to go they had about 160 odd and were looking good for 200 plus but good bowling at the death restricted them to 185. Good catches from Craig, Simon and a run out from Craig ensured we kept the runs down, The last moment of controversy was supplied by Webster who again bowled a near head high full toss at Norman who hooked it to Amit who again took a good catch. Norman began to walk off until the non striker called 'No ball'. Norman began to return until it was pointed out that it was the umpire's job, not the non striker's, to call 'No ball'. So off went Norman for an excellent 98, 2 short of a 4th century of the season and 2 short of 1000 runs for the season. Shame.

Off we went for tea needing to get 186 to win. At this point we were advised by John from their team that an average score on this pitch was 110 and we would do well to get them. Now John should know as John is 76 and has been playing on pitches on that ground since 1955 (a year before the oldest member of our 11 was born). Tea was very good but in keeping with the rest of the day it was slightly odd as we had to assemble our own sandwiches.

And it was during tea that captain Chris came up with a masterstoke deciding to pair “rotate-the-strike" Herlihy with “Give it a wack" Warren as openers. Simon with a mixture of fine hitting and comedy defence blasted his way to 37 and after 11 overs we were 64 for 0 - well ahead of the rate. On came Norman as first change, Simon wound himself up to take a huge swing of the bat and up popped the ball to the wicket keeper. The watching team collapsed laughing. 64 for one. Note Simon had passed 1000 career runs with this innings so congratulations to him.
The crowd were enjoying themselves joining in with Mike Herlihy's frenzied cry of "Two it, two it, two it, two it" by adding 'twoo' on the end. You had to be there. Craig Murray following his sledging incident earlier in the season (where he became the first batsman to sledge a fielder), by becoming the first umpire to sledge a scorer as the scorer repeatedly ignored him. Sorry Craig, we were laughing too much at Simon's comedy batting..
Amit joined Mike but Mike soon managed to get bowled via his pad and Stiven joined Amit. Now batting heroes Rocky and Norman were bowling in tandem. They proved to be the slowest bowlers we have ever seen and as there was no pace in the ball they were very hard to hit. Both bowled their 7 overs for 22 runs , Stiven struggling for form got bogged down and all of a sudden the rate was back at 7. Amit in a fit of pensioner abuse hit 3 consecutive fours off 76 year old John who was withdrawn from the attack. However in a admirable avoid a jug kind of way he managed to get himself bowled by another very slow bowler for 49. Stiven was still struggling and we were now in a bit of trouble. Stiven decided to slog his way out of it and edged a welcome 4 before top edging a ball miles in the air that could have been caught by anybody on the ground it went so high. Off he trudged for a gritty 25. Craig contributed 19 off about 12 balls, and with 2 overs to go Craig and Chris needed 13. Chris hit a single, Craig hit the next in the air and was caught. New recruit Simon Bowett went to join his skipper at the non striker's end and then watched Chris hit three consecutive boundaries to win the match.
So that was that, the end of the season and another win. Good friendly opposition, good fielding with excellent catching, patchy bowling, consistent batting and great weather made for a great day. Off we went to the bar where three cheers were had for captain Chris and the best newcomer, Teamer.

And on a final note I must mention newcomer Simon Bowett who is clearly mentally unbalanced. Firstly he was wearing the most ridiculous stars and stripes underpants that were clearly visible through his whites. Secondly for him to play for us he has to come a very long way- from Sutton in Surrey. This was the second time he has played for us. The first time was against Pimlico Strollers when he was at the non strikers end when Chris failed to score the 1 run we needed off the last over. This time he was at the non strikers end whilst Chris hit 3 boundaries. On each occasion he never faced a ball. So twice now he has travelled miles just to watch Chris bat from the other end. Despite this wants to play next year and very welcome he will be too.

See you next year.