Saturday 5 September and the Horizontals made their way to Lincolnshire for the rearranged tour. The weather was not promising initial weak sunshine giving way to drizzle and showers as they made their own way up the A1.

Scally, Burgess, and TV's Matt Webster were the first to arrive in Barry's spacecraft, spotting the Uffington all-weather ground through a turnip field and retired to the pub for lunch, whilst Chris W drove Simon, Glenn and Stiven round and round in circles looking for it.

Meanwhile in East London, Ken woke up, stretched and remembered that there was something really quite important he had to do today. The arrival of Craig at his front door reminded him. That was it. He had to buy some angling equipment.

Whilst Barry eschewed the local ham for the exotic tuna sandwich and pints of JHB were consumed in the pub, the rain started to get heavier. Plaintive texts along the lines of "Where are we?" came from Simon W, as Ken remembered he had to pick up Roger Skipper. The committee party decided to drive to a point where Chris might find them and indeed he did. They convoyed up the farm track to a surprisingly well kept ground, given the surrounding spud crop, as Bourne Optimists laid out the boundary markers for the start of the match.

In the absence of Craig, by now in the pub watching Ken eat a sandwich, Richard tossed with Mike Nation, the Bourne skipper, who mindful of last year's result, batted first.
Mike went out to bat with Dirk Binns for the 35 overs, and TV's Matt Webster opened with Scally. Ken had been forcefully summoned from the pub by Barry, and missed out on his chips. As his sandwich was wrapped the landlord sighed "What do yer think this is, McDonalds?"

The tannoy from Burleigh could be heard in the distance as Matt came up the hill and looked a handful initially, dismissing Mike for 2; his 100th wicket for the Horizontals. Scally opted to bowl off 3 steps as the rain got steadily heavier, the odd full toss going for 4, as Tom Binns joined his Dad, taking quick runs from David and Simon. Craig brought himself on, with a schoolchild at the crease and dismissed instead Dirk, with a quicker ball. Chris Wilcock then dismissed Richardson for a duck, Glenn taking a snorter at gully. Craig rotated his bowlers, at last bringing on last years hat-trick hero, Roger, who bowled Vale for 9, and Nation for a duck. Ken dismissed Bailey for a further 0 and 63 for 1, became 95 for 5. After Glenn was smashed for 6 by Binns jnr, Scally came back to have him stumped for 48 and Webster dismissed Gabbitas - another sharp catch by Winteringham. Some late runs from Sherwin saw Bourne to 132 for 8.

Initial confusion as to the tea situation, meant that Burgess ate padded up. The pork pies and sandwiches went down and the rain came down as conditions worsened and the skies darkened: huge, marl clouds rolling in across the countryside and heavy rain bringing up a Quatermass sludge from the depths of the artificial wicket. The heavy weather meant that the ball was slippery and full and Burgess took full advantage gliding two boundaries through fine leg, which along with several extras, meant at the end of over 1, WHCC were 12 for 0. Further positive running meant that by the time Scally was bowled by Vale, WHCC were 29-1 from 7.3 overs. Simon Warren then joined Burgess and hit 2 fours from Bailey's first over, Vale having retired to the pavilion following an excruciating groin injury. Richard kept pushing the singles and Bailey dismissed Simon for 12, bringing in Chris Wilcock who scored the first 2 of the innings along with the only 4 that Binns jnr conceded. He went for 15, Richard having been apparently sawn off by Ken* for 24. Meanwhile, Stiven accumulated, but the rate was increasing. Glenn was brilliantly caught for 1 (those who live by the sword, Glenn), Webster caught Binns bowled Binns and Murray bowled playing across the line. At 116 for 7 with only 3 overs left, it was in the balance. But Dirk Binns slipped as he bowled in the rain, the high full toss was called a no-ball and Barry hit a two and then a single. Stiven hit two fours, then managed to run out Barry with a drive that Dirk deflected onto the stumps. This brought Ken to the wicket, and after a quick leg-bye, Stiven hit the winning runs to finish 42 not out.

Back in the pub, Tom Binns won the man of the match award, and following a toast "to cricket" which left most of the clientele bemused, the Horizontals embarked for Holbeach and an evening of high-class entertainment, mainly involving TV's Matt Webster and his fantastic linen jacket, some truly rubbish football on the telly, a riotous curry with fairly priced wines, and a late-night pool competition. Thanks must go to the staff of the Chequers for their kind forbearance.

The next day, after a loud awakening by the noisiest parish church in Lincolnshire and a fine breakfast (although Ken had a disappointingly small mushroom), the team wandered round Holbeach and then made their way to Bourne to Smith's, a boozer of great repute, to meet the Witham on the Hill team for another fixture amongst the spuds at Uffington. After 2 pints of Bishops Farewell, and in the sunshine, the ground was transformed. A skylark flew by. Pheasants whirred and coughed in the neighbouring wood. Dick Bentley admired some tits. Captain Morris told Captain Murray that the Whackers would bat first for 30 overs as they had to make the tea, so a replay of the day before as TV's Matt Webster and Scally opened, both bowling a nagging length, whilst Stiven just nagged the fielders and bowlers ("Bowl straight!") from behind the stumps. Scally dismissed the Witham Matt Webster for 6 and their miserly figures were 6-1-13-0 and 6-4-10-1 respectively.
Rob Bentley and Anthony Morris put on a 50 partnership, being harsh on Warren and Wilcock. So Craig brought himself on, bowling Morris and having Heath caught (by Glenn at mid off again) in 2 consecutive balls. Rob Bentley was run out for 32 and then the wickets tumbled as Craig took 3-23, Mick Bentley first ball, Glen 1-5 and Roger 1-8, followed by another run out. Tim Butcher slapped a quick 10* and 115 from 30 was the score.

Following another marvellous tea Craig and Barry opened during an RAF Battle of Britain flypast, Craig getting into the act with two quick fours, before Rob Bentley bowled him for 10, 18-1. Richard ("Bowl at the bra area") then joined Barry for a 54 partnership, Barry taking most of the strike and scoring most of the runs with sharp singles, and anything short slapped to the boundary. Eventually Tim Butcher bowled him for 38 in the 19th over, a fine innings, and Ken followed Barry into the pavilion for 1. Richard had hit only 2 fours but had occupied the crease for 20 overs as Stiven instantly opened his shoulders. Tim Butcher finished the Mancunian's stay with an off-cutter for 17 on 83, and TV's Matt Webster joined in the end of innings fun as the rain threatened again, the sky resembling a Hammershoi landscape, grey, glutinous cloud occluding the previously clear weather, thunder threatening, the Horizontals winning with 3 overs to spare, Stiven 23* and TVMW 9*.

Then to the Five Horseshoes for more summer ales and autumn rain outside. The team settled into the Bear-themed snug as Simon gently ribbed Stiven and Barry discovered that Mick Bentley was a top class gourmet and regularly visits the top Michelin-starred restaurants. Matt, after some direction, also got a splendid picture of Glenn with a teddy bear. Apparently the bear can bat quite well and bowls slow left paw, but doesn't own a Mercedes, so we'll keep the mascot we've got.

Thanks to Barry and Dick for the organisation and the saving of the 2008 Lincolnshire tour!

 

 

* t'author points out himself, earlier in the piece; "Ken woke up, stretched and remembered that there was something really quite important he had to do today" - Ed.